I thought I was losing my mind.
I started tearing up in lab when we talked about the reproduction system and I started thinking of how that was our Olivia Marianna too and how she had been growing inside me. When they showed a fetus at 16 weeks, about how old she was when she died… I had the urge to throw up then and there, the hurt was so intense and immediate. She’d be a little over two by now.
I have been teary ever since, so I took my sadness to Jesus and asked Him, “Come be with me Lord, hold my hand and walk with me.”
Later that same day I saw a little girl at the store, first time I’ve seen her or her mother. The woman was around my age and the little girl she said, had just turned one. This little girl had the smile of an angel with lightly strawberry blond curls like my sister did and blue eyes like Brian and I thought to myself, “Wow, she reminds me of Olivia.” And then I thought, “You weirdo! How would that be possible? You’re crazy.”
Yet, something about her caught my heart. She kept turning so gently to look at me from her mother’s arms as they browsed the store. At the counter the little girl smiled and smiled and turned her head deeply to each side to get what felt like a look into my soul and her mother looked at her a little puzzled. The words came from my lips unbidden “Your daughter’s smile will stay in my heart.” The mother smiled.
I foolishly thought that since Olivia had never lived with us and I hadn’t watched her grow up like my friends who have sadly lost adult or older children, the grief would be different. A dear friend who had lost a baby said “You’re not crazy, it hurts and it will hurt. Olivia was giving you a kiss from heaven, through an encounter with that little girl.” Thank you Jill.
I don’t know why I didn’t think that Olivia Marianna would do it or could do visit, but she is very much with us as Brian says “watching us from heaven” and like Y-O and finding dimes or Jeff with the Steelers rosary etc. she’s letting us know she’s there and she loves us. Jesus took my hand as I asked and brought my daughter with Him. It still hurts and I’m still crying a little, but now I’m smiling a little to at the thought too. Thank you Jesus for her visit.
For anyone who has lost a child at any stage of life, I am praying for you, Jesus is walking with you right now, God bless your healing heart.