The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance. Nathaniel Branden

If you’ve wondered how we’re doing,  We’re dealing day-to-day and we’re processing.  The sun still shines between the showers and we’re back to work and doing what living asks.  Obviously  we grieve our personal loss, and the loss of who she could have been in time to the world.  The less obvious issue and more to the truth of it for me specifically is that I was having a hard time accepting God’s will, a very human issue.  At my most miserable, I was flatly refusing this part of my cross.

I was miserable when Jeff died, obvious reason my husband died. Less obvious I was struggling with the idea that we had been cheated us out of what was to be our future together, what was taken away, stolen.  However, it came to me after much prayer that we were only supposed to go so far in this life, and no farther.  Once I accepted it, I could begin to find peace and heal and live.  I thought it was a different reason with this grief over losing Olivia, but at its root it’s the same. And again I have to learn to accept, Brian might say it differently, but he’s working it out too.  Together we will get to a place of peace, he is an amazing man.

There are concrete things we can do –  getting back to praying daily the “Suscipe” of Ignatius of Loyola and meaning it.  The focus of that prayer and releasing of my wants to accept God’s will healed me and helped me to move on last time.  I think that is the way to continue healing. That and the support of your prayers and love for which we are very grateful.

Take Lord and receive all my liberty,
my memory, my understanding, and my entire will,
all I have and possess.

You have given all to me.
To you, Lord I return it.

All is Yours; dispose of it wholly according to Your will.
Give me Your love and Your grace, for this is sufficient for me.


4 thoughts on “The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance. Nathaniel Branden

  1. I admire your bravery and your courage in facing this head on. In the end, that’s what we have to do, and much better sooner than later.

    Its hard to see the window when the door just got slammed in your face. But its there, and when the time is right you will find it.

    I KNOW in the deepest parts of my heart that you and Brian are meant to have more children, however it may come together. And I also know that when you’re ready, you will be an amazing beacon of hope for other women who are living the same tragedy as you have. Your ability to connect with others and show them how to find strength and hope in the most desolate times is one of the gifts I admire most about you.


    • Thank you. I read your comment and immediately thought of Philippians 4:13-14 “I have the strength for everything through him who empowers me. 14 Still, it was kind of you to share in my distress.” I don’t know much in my heart at the moment, except that He has given us a new experience of love and we are grateful, even through our saddness. Peace.


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