“I can’t abide standing outside the fire” even when I want to

For those of you who don’t know the back story…I was married to a wonderful man for 15 years who died of a long painful battle with cancer two years ago. One of the last things Jeff said to me was go live. Change vocations – become a nun, or get married, whatever I want, go back to school, follow a new career, but live!

I have to confess that I didn’t want to for awhile, but God knows your heart better than you do. The summer after Jeff died, The Lord told me “You are broken, I am healing you for another.” Another what? Vocation, avocation, but I knew He would bring it to me when I was ready. Apparently I became ready in spades!

Now I am married as of July 2012 to another wonderful man! I resigned my career of 18 years a few months ago to pursue another career of the traditional kind. However In the way only God can bring it I am…I am pregnant at 43 for the first time in my life!

I was shocked, scared, amazed and grateful all at the same time. I felt like I had a split personality. I thought my face would crack from smiling so big the first time I heard the baby’s heart beat. I also felt like God had pulled the rug out from under me again, albeit for a great reason this time, but again one that I was totally unprepared for. I wanted Him to leave me alone, I had accepted and come to define myself without a child. I felt like I was living enough. My heart was unsettled.

God wouldn’t let me be unsettled about it for long though. He started working on me and through people and in prayer to put His message in my ears 🙂 He knew I was ready for more, to get back into the roller coaster of life no holds barred. God answered a prayer I’ve had in my heart for a long time and i am so grateful. He will make me ready to Live it“!

More baby posts and other things to come as I find them this Big Sea of Life 😉


3 thoughts on ““I can’t abide standing outside the fire” even when I want to

  1. Im so excited for you and your new family only and I mean only God knows what is best. Just continue to follow the path he has for you. You are so deserving!


    • Thanks Deb! We are spiritual sisters for sure! I don’t know what I deserve, but I know He is merciful and loves me, us more than I could ever fathom.


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