Interesting phenomenon, at least I’m trying to see it in that way. Random people not of my inner circle or even outer circle because they wouldn’t need to do this – over the past two days have come up to me all smoothery about their condolences. I shouldn’t be irritated by this, but I am. It’s been over a month and a half, I’m moving forward step by step, sometimes moment by moment and God is so good to me, but it isn’t always easy to do.
What it feels like to me whether it is or not: Their insistence on inserting themselves into my world, because they feel the apparent over whelming need to make themselves feel acquitted of caring when they haven’t taken the time to see me over the last month and a half is self-serving. It actually surprises me how much it draws me back to pain that really isn’t necessary. And it bothers me a bit to know that pain is still so present. I don’t need scratching at a healing wound by well-intentioned but thoughtless people. Especially this week of all weeks! Of course, maybe that’s why I’m even more bothered.
I understand they feel they need to say something – tell me I look nice, because I do. Tell me it seems like I’m doing well, because I am. Fine ask me how I am, but then when I say It’s something I take day by day, but really I’m doing better than I would have thought with what it is, because I am, believe me and move on. I’m apparently supposed to be a weepy, unattractive train wreck. My grieving started a long time ago, while Jeff was alive and in agony, every time I looked at his face and realized our time together was coming closer and closer to and end. Every touch and kiss that might be the last.
I should be more charitable to these people, but I can’t seem to muster it right now. They touch something inside that needs to be left to heal on its own, without well-intentioned intrusions into my heart.
I am grateful for the people who have suffered similar loss and see me after those intrusions, understand and love me through it. Giving me good solid practical things to do and help me move into the next moment.