I’ve gotten more or less caught up on sleep from the VBS marathon weeks and I’m starting to turn my attention to my house which hasn’t been since coming home from the surgeries- Oh it’s a mess!
It took me a whole lot longer to recover from VBS than normal. I was more physically involved for the set up and week of than I’ve been in a while and to be honest – it’s hell to get old!
Course in fairness in year’s past we’ve taken the next week off to go to the annual Legion Baseball Firecracker tournament with our local legion post I can’t remember the number team in Deland, FL. Jeff covers the games and I spend my free time at the beach while he writes his stories. And in looking back on them, these were vacations when we had no money, not that we have much more now, but then we were going through some really rough times financially and God was so good to us, even providing us vacations when none seemed able to be had.
Adjusting to current limitations is more difficult than I would have thought. Jeff and I both thought by now we’d be back in the loop of things. There are issues we’re limited by, Jeff’s endurance level, swelling, and possible inability to sustain bites, scratches etc. in the legs and of course the looming question of more cancer. It’s like we’re experiencing being old before our time. But just like with the Deland experiences, God is here, I’ve been able to relax and do some things around the house and we are going to cook out and spend our time together once he’s home from work. And that’s were I’m going to work on concentrating that Jeff is here and I can be with him.
Dont’ walk away from this post thinking things are so bad. I’m just being selfish, wanting to get back to life as it was. Not always appreciating what’s important, or more to the point – the present moment given.
I’ve been going step by step up through this journey of spouse to cancer and God has helped me each step, but before I couldn’t even find the words for it. So one recent morning after praying about working through this either misery of putting myself in the future which terrifies me or living in the past which depresses me I asked God to help me through it. Hes’ given me so much already, he’s there waiting for me to ask. So I give it to Him and let Him go with it. He guided me to turn on XM satellite radio that morning on my way to work, I normally am not awake enough when I go in in the earlier morning to appreciate intellecual discourse. But I really enjoy the morning show – Seize the Day and shortly after I tuned in – it was amazing. The host was describing exactly that conundrum of living in either the future or the past and being miserable – speak to me buddy! He said there is a book by the Fransican Fr. Albert Haase, Coming Home to Your True Self: leaving the emptiness of false attractions which speaks of learning to live in the sacrament (little s) of the present. that God’s Grace is abundant in this time and this place and we allow ourselves to miss it and think only of what will be and what was, and completely miss the beauty of what is. Also The Sacrament of Living in the Present by Fr. Jean-Pierre Caussade, S.J., I’m just sayn’ also looks to be of great import and spiritual beginning. This is from one of the reviewers…
Entertain no doubt about it, though. The straight and narrow way is by far the most arduous and, despite its great simplicity, oftentimes the most perilous. However, it is not without pain but from within those intense moments of purest suffering that we can part, if only but for a brief moment in time, the veil of tears–to gaze directly into the heart of the matter–and distill the fitful fragments of truth behind all of the sorrow. And acting from the knowledge gained thereby, coupled with love, we can shape the disparate pieces of life’s seemingly desperate puzzle into meaningful horizons of wholeness, salvation, and hope for tomorrow. This is the soul at its best!
Ultimately, it is when we recollect ourselves to the Divine Mystery that we can fully reap the ripened-fruits of our faith. For, when the spirit consents to rest in God–to say and truly mean ‘Thy Will be Done’–then something wonderful happens: Alas, the divine action–infused with Grace–does its part to impart THE SACRAMENT OF THE PRESENT MOMENT
And last night, I booked Jeff and I as the 8-9pm guardians at our parishes monthly holy hour. It was wonderful to share this time with the Blessed Sacrament, Christ together and there was a man there speaking and singing in Spanish, which I apparently know better than I think I do. I could understand him and it was irritating, then it hit me that it is serving a purpose, it’s not the way I worship, but it’s another way. So, O.K. God why is this bothering me? Even in it’s distracting me, help me please to move beyond it to You. And I have to say He did, to the extent that at the end of our hour the man sang Pescadore des hombres and in it’s sweet openness of the soul, I was moved to consecrate myself to the Divine Will. I’m not sure what it means exactly, but it felt pretty right and Peaceful.
So in the way of God giving you what you need for the journey, I can’t wait to get these books! If you’d like to read them with me let me know. I was thinking of offering it as a book club of sorts at SPX, but it will come too close to home for me to do this at work. I feel I have to sensor too much of myself there- defensive mechanism I know. I’d rather read it and discuss it here and or at Kaiteur or something.
Whew – thanks for riding with me through all of this – if you’re reading this you’re one of my my heart sisters/ brothers, or a complete stranger ; )
Anyway this is me catching up.
P.S. you don’t have to be a Catholic Christian, Christian of another denomination, or make a consecration to the Diving Will to read through this with me, just so that you are someone who is open to knowing Truth. I’m just sayn’.